And betrayal can manifest in any number of ways-secrets are divulged, finances are abused, and untruths are told.īut probably the most common form of betrayal anyone involved with a narcissist feels is infidelity. They’re apt, as many of the behavioral patterns Downs discusses are less than desirable for living any kind of an authentic life.īut still, who am I to judge? Perhaps no one, but I’ve experienced what I experienced and I’ve witnessed what I’ve witnessed, and The Velvet Rage validated all of this far more than I ever expected it to.Īnd so, let’s press on with the final three points I’ve taken away from Alan Downs’ The Velvet Rage… Point 03: Gay Men Are No Strangers To BetrayalĪ hallmark experience in any narcissistic relationship, gay or straight, is betrayal. I’ve used words like “dysfunctional” and “toxic” quite a bit in the writing of these points.

And as I share these personal aspects of my life, I make sense of them through my own self-education on the topic of narcissism in the hope that it will help people who are currently in the position I was in a few years ago. For some time now this website has been a public journal where I’m presenting my own personal experience of a narcissistic relationship with another man. I was fixating on the darker aspects of the book and not so much the hopeful parts. Updated to reflect the effects of the many recent social, cultural and political changes, 'The Velvet Rage' is an empowering book that has already changed the public discourse on gay culture and helped shape the identity of an entire generation of gay men.As I wrote about Alan Downs’ The Velvet Rage this week and last, I noticed an obvious pattern. Substance abuse, depression, suicide and sex addiction among gay men are at an all-time high, causing many to ask, 'Are we really better off?' Drawing on contemporary research, psychologist Alan Downs' own struggle with shame and anger, and stories from his patients, 'The Velvet Rage' passionately describes the stages of a gay man's journey out of shame and offers practical and inspired strategies to stop the cycle of avoidance and self-defeating behaviour. Despite this victory, however, serious problems still exist. Today's gay man enjoys unprecedented, hard-won social acceptance. This is the groundbreaking examination of the psychology of homosexuality and why it leads to shame over one's identity, and how to overcome it - now expanded and fully updated.

The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs